I recently had the pleasure of being interviewed by Ben Ari from Authority Magazine. He asked me some thought-provoking questions. This blog is an edited version of the interview, shared with permission.

Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive into the main focus of our interview, can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?

What or who inspired you to pursue your career? We’d love to hear the story.

In 2000, I was working in a communication management role in the field of adult learning in the non-profit sector. I enjoyed my job, but wasn’t sure where I wanted to go next in my career. Then I was offered an opportunity to join a peer learning group, where I met Maggie who was the group’s facilitator. 

Not only did membership of the group help me progress in my existing role, but it opened-up new possibilities. I realized that facilitation and coaching was the career path for me. I was excited by a more hands on role in helping people learn and develop, rather than a desk-based role.

Can you share the funniest or most interesting mistake that occurred to you in the course of your career? What lesson or take away did you learn from that?

In my very first job, I was an assistant to the HR manager of a small company. I was asked to organize a coach trip for staff to visit one of our branches in another city. I made a decent job of organizing the first part of the day, the pick-up, liaising with the other branch etc. But when it came to the return journey, I hadn’t really thought about drop-off arrangements. People were asking if they could be taken to various locations. In my desire to be helpful I said yes, and the result was that we ended up getting back to the head office late for those expecting to get off there. 

This taught me, firstly to think through endings as well as beginnings, which is valuable in training and coaching. And I also learned that you need to balance the needs of individuals with the needs of the group.

The road to success is hard and requires tremendous dedication. This question is obviously a big one, but what advice would you give to a young person who aspires to follow in your footsteps and emulate your success?

An approach that’s served me well was to develop a vision of the kind of work that I wanted to do, and then say yes to opportunities that took me in this direction. And having the courage to say no to work that didn’t feel well aligned. 

I believe there is a place for a structured approach to career development, particularly if you are following a well-trodden path such as in medicine or law. But we know the world of work is changing at an unprecedented rate, so I believe that the combination of a clear sense of direction combined with a flexible attitude is a pretty good success strategy for the 2020s. 

My advice is to keep learning, and to follow lines of study that interest you even if you’re not sure where they are leading. Learning can open the door to opportunities that you may not yet able to see.

Is there a particular book, film, or podcast that made a significant impact on you? Can you share a story or explain why it resonated with you so much?

 “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” by Susan Jeffers had a big impact, perhaps because it was the one of the first personal development books that I read. A particular takeaway was Jeffers’ advice on no-lose decision making. Essentially, she taught me not to waste mental energy on wondering if I’ve made the right decision. She says that when you make a choice between different paths, each of them can lead to “goodies”. I continue to see the truth in this in going through life. We cannot know the future, but we can make what we believe are wise choices at the time.

Can you share your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Why does that resonate with you so much?

“The breath of life and the sharp winds of change are the same thing.” From a poem by DH Lawrence.  

Life is a continual process of change. Reminding myself of this has helped me deal with difficult changes such as loss and grief, as well as giving me the courage to say yes to opportunities and take some risks.

What are some of the most interesting or exciting projects you are working on now? How do you think that might help people?

Working on my book has been exciting! The process of writing Crafting Connection: Transform how you communicate with yourself and others has given me an opportunity to share some of the transformative and practical methods of personal and professional development that have helped me and others over many years. 

The book makes a wide range of approaches accessible, and I hope it will reach and transform the lives of many more people than I possibly could through my direct work with individuals and groups.

Another excitement is being part of a project delivering a peer learning experience for members of a US based professional membership body. It’s the first time I’ve worked for a US based organization, and it’s exciting to be working in a different cultural context, compared to my work in the UK and Europe.

OK, thank you for all of that. Let’s now shift to the core focus of our interview.  Can you briefly tell our readers a bit about why you are an authority about Emotional Intelligence?

The managers I work with are dealing with challenges such as difficult conversations, facilitating effective meetings, and navigating change. Emotional intelligence is at the heart of my facilitation and coaching, as I help emerging leaders to develop their self-awareness and their ability to connect and communicate with other people.

And, importantly, I practise what I preach! I’ve been on personal and emotional development journey for over thirty years, embracing methods including somatic and mindfulness practices. I use and teach methods that are evidence based, creative and effective.

For the benefit of our readers, can you help to define what Emotional Intelligence is? 

Emotional intelligence starts with you. It’s the ability to recognize and understand your own emotions, and to regulate your emotions so that they work for you, not against you. 

Emotional intelligence also includes the ability to understand other people’s emotions. And it includes the interpersonal social skills needed for effective personal and professional relationships with others, given that we are all emotional beings.

How is Emotional Intelligence different from what we normally refer to as intelligence?

Emotional Intelligence differs from purely cognitive or logical intelligence. To work out a math problem, or write computer software, is a cognitive task. But when you are dealing with people, cognitive intelligence isn’t enough, as people are driven as much by their feelings as by their thinking. Some thinkers, notably Howard Gardner, have identified a range of intelligences. These include cognitive intelligence, and both the intrapersonal and interpersonal aspects of emotional intelligence, as well as other intelligences such as musical and spatial intelligence. 

Can you help explain a few reasons why Emotional Intelligence is such an important characteristic? Can you share a story or give some examples?

It helps us enjoy life more, and deal with the ups and downs with greater equanimity. When we avoid the so-called negative emotions, we can end up feeling less of the positive ones too. Being open to experiencing the full range of emotions connects us with our own humanity and allows us to see more of what we have in common with other human beings, rather than what divides us.

Would you feel comfortable sharing a story or anecdote about how Emotional Intelligence has helped you in your life? We would love to hear about it.

This is a personal example. My lovely father died a few years ago. I believe that my emotional intelligence helped me because I was able to feel the grief when it came along in waves, without feeling I needed to push the feelings down. Although the waves of grief were intense, by allowing myself to really feel the feeling in my body, I noticed that the waves of emotion moved through me quite quickly. They returned of course, but over time the waves came less often, and the intensity decreased in its own time. 

Can you share some specific examples of how Emotional Intelligence can help a person become more successful in the business world?

1. Leadership

An essential area is leadership. Leaders need to able to connect with people, and it’s difficult to do this if you don’t understand yourself and the impact you have on others. It’s hard to lead and manage effectively if you lack sensitivity to others’ feelings, or if you are too reliant on other people’s approval. A leader or manager with poor emotional intelligence may have a devastating effect on the wellbeing and morale of their team, and consequently the performance of the business. There’s a good reason why emotional intelligence is such an important component of many leadership programs. 

2. Decision making

It’s also an important component of effective decision making in business. We may like to think that we make decisions logically and based on facts but there is evidence that we often make decisions based on emotion and post-rationalize afterwards. Understanding how our emotions affect our thinking helps us to recognize this risk, and look for ways to mitigate it, such as inviting different viewpoints, and being open to being challenged.

3. Self-motivation

A third example is self-motivation which is often considered a core component of emotional intelligence. Being able to motivate ourselves helps us through the inevitable challenges of working life. It allows us to stay on track in our jobs and careers when times are tough. 

One way to increase your ability to self-motivate is to understand how to tap into positive emotional states. Consider what you say to yourself when you feel motivated, and what body language and posture you adopt when you really want to do something. Find ways to transfer that self-talk and posture to other contexts. Something else that I find helpful is to break down a big task into small steps. This motivates me with a sense of ongoing progress, as I take a moment to acknowledge each mini achievement along the way.

Can you share a few examples of how Emotional Intelligence can help people have better relationships?

It can help us connect more deeply and sensitively with other people and makes it less likely that we will project our negative emotions onto others and blame them for how we feel. It’s important to be honest in relationships, whilst taking ownership of our own thoughts and feelings. To give you an example: I may feel irritated when I get home late from work and the kitchen is a mess. Owning this feeling, and saying “I feel irritated when…” is very different to projecting blame on the other person, for example by saying “You’re lazy because you didn’t clean up…”  The latter is likely to provoke defensiveness and arguments, the former can open-up a conversation about what matters to each person in a relationship.

Another example is that emotional intelligence can make it easier for us to enjoy and celebrate other people’s success. Empathy allows us to step into another person’s perspective and allow ourselves to share their joy. 

Can you share a few examples of how Emotional Intelligence can help people have more optimal mental health?

It can help us to recognize more quickly when pressures in our lives are getting on top of us, and work out if we need to make changes, such as reducing our workload or improving our sleep routine. Being aware of our emotions can alert us when we’re not coping and might need professional support. Emotional intelligence can allow us to seek help before we break down.

It can also help us to notice when we are putting pressure on ourselves. Sometimes this may be a reaction to an external trigger, that we then amplify through self-criticism, or an unwillingness to forgive or let go of resentment. A degree of emotional intelligence can prevent us moving into a downward spiral, by helping us to understand and accept ourselves more easily. 

We all get angry for example, but if we can accept this emotion, we’re less likely to metaphorically “beat ourselves up” for getting angry. Instead, we can identify strategies to release excess anger and return to a calmer state of mind. Even where our anger is justified, we can make better choices about how to respond and take action, once we’ve calmed down a little.

Ok. Wonderful. Here is the main question of our interview. Can you recommend five things that anyone can do to develop a greater degree of Emotional Intelligence?  

Yes of course, here are a few ideas.

1. Increase Emotional Awareness

Firstly, start to notice your emotions. At different points during the day, simply stop and ask yourself “how am I feeling?” I’ve just asked myself this question and have realized I feel quite calm on the surface, but with an undercurrent of mild irritation because I’ve been interrupted several times this morning.  

Can you observe how your feelings change continually? And can you notice your triggers, the ways in which different people and situations affect you? 

A good technique for increasing this level of awareness is writing. You might like to use a prompt question, such as “how am I feeling now?” and spend a few minutes writing down everything that comes to mind, as honestly as you can. If you do this every day for a few days or weeks, you might like to read back over your notes, to see what you notice. How easy did you find it to identify your emotions? What patterns do you observe, in your emotional reactions?

2. Learn calming strategies

Be aware that when we are in the grip of strong emotions such as anger or fear, these prevent us from thinking clearly. 

In working with your own emotions, it’s helpful to identify short-term strategies that can help you stay calm when you need to be, as well as strategies that may help you deal longer term with difficult emotions. 

In my experience, the most effective short-term strategy is to bring attention to your breathing. Breathing normally happens outside our conscious control, and yet we can also consciously change the way we breath, and this can affect our physiology quite significantly, in a short space of time.

When I’ve been in situations where my emotions start to take over, such as waiting to give my first-ever keynote talk, I found just focusing on my breath helped me to stay calm and focused.

Practice slowing down your breathing, a little, and allowing the outbreath to be slightly longer than the inbreath. I find a comfortable count of 5 for the inbreath and 8 for the outbreath works for me, but experiment with a rhythm that’s comfortable for you, and never force it. 

To learn about the power of breathing for health and wellbeing, I highly recommend the book: “Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art” by James Nestor

3.  Tune into other people, through listening and observation

My third recommendation is to become more aware of the emotions of other people, by developing empathy.  

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, to try and see the world through their eyes. You don’t need to agree with the person. Instead, it’s about becoming more skillful in understanding how another person thinks and feels. 

The key to empathy in my view is being able to listen accurately and without judgement. This means put your own thoughts and emotions to one side for a while, and fully focus on another person. Listen to what they are saying, and importantly, how they are saying it. Notice someone’s body language, and tone of voice as well as their words. For example, can you observe tension in their face or the way they hold their shoulders? Is their tone of voice consistent with what they are saying? 

To help you relate empathically, I recommend approaching a conversation with a clear intent to really listen to the other person. If you find your attention wandering during the conversation, then remind yourself of this intent. Refocus on the other person and allow yourself to stay interested in discovering their perspective. How do they see the situation? How do they feel about it? 

4. Support others in expressing emotion

My fourth recommendation links to the previous one, and it’s a way you can support other people in dealing with their emotions. 

As mentioned earlier, strong emotions can prevent us from thinking clearly, and often the best way to help people is to simply listen to them. Allow them to talk through or vent how they are feeling. Show people that you’re listening, by checking your understanding of what they’ve said. 

Once people feel heard, they are much more likely to be open to your ideas or words of wisdom. Honoring people’s emotions by being willing to listen can be very powerful. An example is when someone is grieving. You can’t take away someone’s grief, but you can make it ok for them to express it. 

To give a work-based example, imagine that a team member is upset about the introduction of a new way of working. Try allowing them time to express their negativity for a while, without judging them. Once you’ve done this, they may be more open to moving on to a practical discussion about how the change can be implemented.

5. Read novels!

My final tip is slightly different – read novels!

A good novelist will take us inside someone else’s reality and help us really see the world through their eyes. There is also research evidence that reading novels can help people develop empathy. 

Watching quality drama and film may also help, if reading isn’t your thing. I personally feel that great novels do this best because they take us directly into someone else’s thinking, so we are seeing their world from the inside out. 

Ok, we are nearly done. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good for the greatest number of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger.

To live peacefully and well in a plural society, I believe we all need to develop a willingness to listen and try to understand other people, even when we don’t agree with them. Become more curious about different points of view. Why do other people see the world the way they do? What can you learn from people who see a situation differently? 

So, I think the movement would be to encourage more conversations that are about genuine openness to hearing different points of view, without setting people against each other. A good conversation in my view is one where both people go away feeling they have expanded their understanding of other people and other worldviews. As a professional facilitator, I know that good facilitation can help enable these kinds of discussions.

Thank you for these really excellent insights, and we greatly appreciate the time you spent with this. We wish you continued success. 

Source: This interview was first published in August 2022 in Authority Magazine.

Photo by S&B Vonlanthen on Unsplash

The post What is emotional intelligence, and why does it matter? appeared first on Felicity.

The post Accepting finitude appeared first on Felicity.

Through years of facilitating conversations and learning, I’ve come to believe that respect, for yourself and others, is the foundation of assertive communication.

What is assertive communication?

Communicating assertively means expressing yourself clearly, so that you can be heard and understood.

“Someone who is assertive behaves confidently and is not frightened to say what they want or believe.” Cambridge Dictionary definition.

To be clear, assertive behaviour in this context is not the same as aggressive behaviour. 

Thinking that you’re always right is not assertiveness. Forcing your views on others is aggressive behaviour. Having the courage to say what you really think and feel is assertive.

Aggressive behaviour is also dominating a conversation. Talking too much. My heart sinks sometimes when I hear the same person talking yet again at a meeting, not showing interest in anyone else’s views.

I’m not going to pretend that I always get my communication right. In my role as a facilitator and trainer, I’m pretty assertive in ensuring that everyone has time to speak and be heard. But in other parts of my life I sometimes hold back. Writing this article has clarified a couple of areas where I plan to speak up a little more! Read on for five ideas to help you communicating more effectively, whether at work or in your personal life.

1. Be clear about what you think and feel, and know that your perspective is valid

Assertive communication starts with clarity about what you want to communicate. It’s about being clear about what you want and need. It’s also about communicating in a way that respects other people, and their perspectives, wants and needs.

Respecting others is important. And equally important is self-respect. If you don’t feel that your views are valid or that you have anything worth saying or sharing, this can lead to a passive style of communication. If you find you’re always the one who gives in, to let other people have their own way, then this can lead to resentment and a further loss of self-esteem. It can also result in passive aggressive behaviours such as gossiping about people behind their backs, when you haven’t had the courage to speak to them directly.

Your assertiveness rights

You have a right to express what you think and feel. Your feelings are always valid. But to be assertive, we need to understand the importance of owning our perspective.

This means sharing what we think, feel, would like, using “I” statements, such as “I think…” “I feel…”. “I would like…”.

If you disagree with someone, it helps to acknowledge you’ve heard and understood their point of view. You might then introduce your views with a phrase like: “I have a different perspective…”

If the other person doesn’t seem to have heard or understood, repeat your message. You might choose to vary the wording slightly. But keep the core message unchanged until you’re sure you’ve been heard.

2. Be respectful of other views

Everyone sees the world differently — it couldn’t be otherwise. Everything we see and hear reaches us through our sensory and nervous system and is recreated internally in the physical structure of our brain. Realising this may help us to listen with more compassion, and the willingness to put ourselves in someone else’s position.

The foundation of good communication is to listen carefully to other perspectives. Listen to understand. Not listening either to agree or to disagree, but instead to discover what the other person thinks. Stay curious about their point of view. Keep an open mind, is there something they’ve said that might shift your viewpoint too?

And demonstrate that you understand the other person’s perspective. You may wish to reflect back some of their key words, or summarise what they have said in your own words, to check that you’ve understood. Ask questions that encourage the other person to tell you more about what they think. If your attention wanders when someone is speaking, be honest about this. Ask them to repeat what you’ve missed.

3. Notice when you’re projecting your thoughts and feelings onto others

Accusations are not assertive. When you project your negative feelings or thoughts onto other people, this tends to come over as aggressive. Contrast saying: “you’re rude” versus: “I would like to have time to finish my point, before you come in with your perspective.”

How often have you noticed yourself or others thinking or saying something like: “he made me angry…”. If you notice yourself doing this, take a step back, and consider what’s really going on?

Someone’s behaviour may have triggered a negative response in you. This response may be fully justified, or it may be more about an area where you have personal insecurities or sensitivities. We all have our personal trigger points, where we react emotionally rather than rationally.

You may feel that the other person’s behaviour was disrespectful in some way and needs to be challenged. If so, then challenge assertively, for example by saying: “When you told me to shut up, I felt disrespected.” You are linking the other person’s behaviour with your reaction, but are owning your reaction.

It can be helpful to realise that someone else might have reacted differently, for example: “When you told me shut up, I was wondering if you were feeling criticised or overwhelmed?” The listener in this example may not have been triggered into a negative response, even though the other person’s behaviour was the same.

Your power to respond

You always have the power to choose how you respond to others. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

I don’t in any way condone bullying or aggressive behaviour. This is not acceptable and when it takes place, we need to call it out. But there are many instances where we may jump to conclusions about someone’s intention. An assertive response may lead to a more honest and deeper relationship, whether that’s in a personal or professional context.

4. Explore your own barriers to being assertive

Assertive communication techniques can be helpful in growing your confidence and skills. But there is also value in digger a little deeper, and examining the reasons why you sometimes struggle to be assertive.

Is this because at some level you don’t believe you’re as good as other people? This often underlies passive behaviour. And sometimes this belief results in aggressive behaviour. Maybe you feel at some level that you have to be forceful to be heard?

Or do you judge some people as not truly worthy of respect. Maybe because of their education level, or even their race or gender. Some of these judgements can be hard to recognise. The term “unconscious bias” describes judgements that exist below our level of conscious awareness. If you become aware that you feel more anxious going into conversations with some people than others, it’s worth taking time to reflect honestly on this. Are there any patterns that could reflect fears below your level of awareness? Once you become aware of an assumption or bias, it’s much easier to consciously make a decision to overcome it.

Communicating boundaries

Assertiveness is also related to your personal boundaries. What is ok and not ok for you? There are many areas where you might like to reflect on your boundaries, such as: your time; physical contact; the way you like to be spoken to; your ethical no-go areas.

How can you communicate these boundaries in a way that is clear and respectful? This comes around again to the importance of becoming clear on the answers yourself, so that you can then communicate them to others.

5. Think about your posture and voice

As well as the words you use, assertiveness is about the way that you say things. Your body language and tone of voice are valuable aspects of your communication.

Look at your posture. Ideally you will be upright but not rigid. Allow your head to float gently upwards as if a golden thread were connecting the crown of your head with the heavens. Relax your shoulders. Feel your feet firmly connected to the floor.

Employ a steady tone of voice. Practice key phrases so they feel natural to say. It can be helpful to record yourself speaking, and listen back. Remember your voice will sound richer in real life, so if you can get to the point of sounding ok via a recording, you’ll be well placed when it comes to face to face. Check that when you’re stating something, it doesn’t come over as a question. Allow your voice to deepen slightly at the end of a sentence. This covers a sense of gravitas and my help you to be taken more seriously.

Ask yourself: If I were communicating assertively, how would I stand, and how would my voice sound? Then, allow yourself to assume those body postures, and practice speaking in that voice.

What do you think?

I’ll be diving deeper into this topic in my forthcoming book, Crafting Connection: Transform how you communicate with yourself and others.

What are your thoughts about assertive communication?

[This article was originally published on Medium]

Photo by LinkedIn Sales Solutions on Unsplash

The post How to communicate in a way that gets you heard: assertive communication appeared first on Felicity.

At the start of the new year, I sometimes like to choose a word or theme for the year. Is this something that you’ve also tried? 

The word or theme is ideally aspirational and inspirational. It represents a quality or way of being that we value. And by keeping the theme in mind, we can re-orient towards it as the year progresses.

As an alternative to a new year resolution that we may or may not keep, a theme is something that we can return to as we go through the year, to inform our choices and shape our experience. It reinforces a value or quality that we want to see more of in our lives.

Last year I chose creativity as one of my words and I wrote a book during the year. The choice of theme felt like it made a difference, and I’ve been enjoying reflecting on a theme for 2022.

Generosity as a theme

The word that has come up for me as a possible theme is Generosity. There are many ways in which generosity can show up in the way we live our lives. We can be generous with our time, and with our attention. We can be generous with our money. We can be generous when we share our ideas. And we can also be generous when we choose to hold back, to allow others to have the limelight and explore their ideas.

Some synonyms for generous include bountiful, ungrudging, kind, big-hearted. All words that feel good, and that generosity is a quality worth cultivated.

And there’s something important here for me about generosity being a natural desire to give. It’s not about feeling forced, or giving with a sense of sacrifice or resentment. There is a link with a sense of gratitude. When we are grateful for the good things we have in our life, that can lead to a sense of abundance. We feel that we have enough, indeed that we have more than enough in our lives. And this enough-ness overflows, so that we want to give more. 

Giving and receiving

It’s as if we’re like a cup, a beautiful vessel that is filled the brim, and then overflowing. So we have plenty to give, without feeling a lack.

So the questions this quality brings about are around how we can give generously, in a way that feels joyful? 

And although generosity is around giving, there’s also an aspect of being open to receiving. I have experienced great generosity in my life, from friends and family. There is joy is receiving that isn’t about expectation, just a flow of giving and receiving; a quality that benefits all. So yes, generosity is a force for good in the world and something that I’d like to aspire to this year.

What does generosity mean to you?

The post Generosity: a theme for 2022 appeared first on Felicity.

In October 2021, I celebrate 18 years of self-employment.  Making the decision to go freelance has allowed me to create your own career.  It’s not always as easy path, but I’ve found it exciting and interesting. To celebrate this “coming of age”, here are 18 lessons from my experience. I hope they will spark some helpful thinking, for you.

1. Get clear on what you want

.It’s important to get clear about what’s important to you, and know that this may change as the months and years go by. Having a clarity of purpose will help you succeed. It will provide a focus as you aim to create a job or business you love. And it will help you to navigate the downsides along the way. 

A job, career or calling?

A job will pay your bills. And all working lives comprise a series of jobs. But it’s difficult to stay motivated and deal with the inevitable challenges of self-employment, if it’s "just a job". 

Ideally you will be working towards taking on a series of jobs which build up to form a career. A career has a sense of progression. It means you are continually learning and improving. 

A career becomes a calling when you have a deep inner sense that you’re in the right field. You feel that you're doing the work you were meant to do. It can take a while find this vocation or calling. But when you do, there's a deep sense that you’re in the right place, and going in the right direction.  

And beyond even an inner calling is a sense of a higher purpose or mission. That you’re not only doing the right work for you, but you’re having the impact that you want to make, on the wider world.

My self-employment journey started with wanting to take responsibility for building my own career. I wanted a career where I could keep on learning and growing. My interest in learning has kept me motivated. And over the past 18 years, my inner sense of vocation and of being on the right path has    deepened. 

2.  Be open and willing to learn.

Self-employment is a continual process of learning. Not only do you need to be good at delivering your services, but you need to learn how to run a business and generate work. 

As a trainer, I discovered the challenge with learning my trade of training delivery is that you make your mistakes in front of an audience. Even when I messed up in the early days, I reflected, learnt, sought support. This helped me developed into a consistent and confident performer.

3.  Seek support from others: mentors, coaches, peers. 

Mentors tend to be people who are a few steps (or many steps) ahead of you. They can offer advice and guidance as well as encouragement, and potentially introductions. Coaches can help you identify and reach your business and personal goals.

It's also valuable to connect with your peers in mutually supportive relationships. This helps you to learn and develop alongside others in your field. It’s been vital to me that I had people who believed in me, especially in times when I was struggling to believe in myself. Peer-to-peer relationships have helped develop my skills, confidence and courage.

4.  Be wholehearted in saying “Yes”.  

To learn and grow, you need to take on projects that are a stretch. Projects where you know you have the potential to do well, but that will involve you growing beyond your current knowledge and skillset. When you commit, go into a project wholeheartedly. Lean into your potential, learn all you can along the way, and do the best job possible.

5.  Be willing to say no. 

When your business is about selling your time (or products that have taken time to develop), you need to be ruthless at times about saying "no". Saying no to projects that don’t play to your strengths or meet your vision, frees up time to focus on projects that meet your higher purpose or calling.

This doesn’t mean that every job will be your dream job. Sometimes you may need to take on work purely to pay the bills. In this case, do the job as well as you can. But if you can afford to, don’t fill up every hour of your schedule with work that doesn’t light you up. Keep some slack in your week. Use this for learning, and then if a great opportunity comes up, you’re more likely to be able to accept.

6. Learn to sell.

Selling skills are essential to freelance or small business success. And they are not rocket science. We sometimes shy away from the idea of selling. Perhaps the word conjures up an image of some sleazy car salesman talking us into buying a dodgy motor.  But ethical consultative selling is simply the process of finding out what a prospective client or customer needs and wants. And then, letting them know if and how you can help.  And if you can’t help, letting them know that too. Selling is helping people to solve their problems or achieve their goals. Sell with integrity and enjoy the impact you can have.

7.  Get to grips with marketing. 

Marketing is the process of letting people know what you do. This is partly the initial raising of awareness that you and your services exist. It's making yourself known to people who may not yet have heard of you. And it’s also about staying in touch with people who have worked with you. Showing them you value them, and updating them on anything else you offer that could be helpful.

Good customer care is marketing. Sharing helpful articles or information is marketing. Asking for referrals or recommendations is marketing. If you’re new to this subject, I recommend the book Watertight Marketing by Bryony Thomas for a comprehensive, ethical approach.

8. Turn on your BS detector. 

Whatever field you’re in, it won’t be long before the giants of the web find out. And internet marketers will start to serve you ads offering you easy ways to make a six figure income in your field using a few "simple" steps or so-called secrets. To save you time and money on these courses, here are some ways that you can increase your income:

• Serve more clients.
• Increase the volume of work you do for each client.
• Raise your rates.  

There is no magic formula to guarantee success. But the following approach will help:

• Deliver work to a high standard
• Be consistent with whatever marketing channels you choose
• Invite the right people into sales conversations
• Charge a fair rate for your skills; don’t under-sell yourself
• Ask satisfied clients for referrals or recommendations
• Make sure existing clients know the full range of services you offer.

9.  Build your network. 

A network needs both breadth and depth. Knowing more people opens you up to more opportunities. Deeper relationships increases the chances of receiving quality referrals or offers. And be willing to refer work to others, when you can.

Supporting other business owners and freelancers is worthwhile for many reasons. It supports a viable small-business sector; it feels good to help others; and it builds your own reputation for being helpful and generous.

10. Work with others

Collaborating on projects or join ventures has many benefits. You get someone to bounce ideas around with. You have a wider marketing reach. You may bring complimentary skillsets. You can give and gain mutual support through difficult times.

One of the best moves in my independent career was setting up Stepping Up Training with collaborator Maggie Piazza. We're an approved ILM centre, and help managers achieve professional vocational qualifications.

11. Be flexible and open to change. 

As we all know from Covid (if we didn’t know already!) the operating environment can change very quickly. And there are slower changes - less dramatic, but they mean the world of today is very different to the world of five or ten years ago.

When lockdown was introduced, I was able to adapt quickly and enthusiastically to online delivery. This flexibility allowed me to grow some aspects of my business during this period. To give an example of a slower change: when I set up as an independent consultant, there was more public funding available for projects in my sector. This meant more work for freelancers on delivery of some of the elements of these projects. As some of these funding streams ended, I needed to find other ways to generate income.

12. Learn to set time boundaries.  

For example, time-box projects by giving yourself a set time for completion. Avoid having too many projects on the go at one time, diluting your attention. Use deadlines to motivate yourself. This may include client deadlines, but also deadlines that you set yourself. Congratulate yourself when you meet them. Protect other areas of your life, such as time for family and friends. Be disciplined about giving yourself time away from technology and social media. I have all notifications turned off on social media, and choose when I login. I know someone who deletes social media apps from her phone at the weekend.

13. Outsource and delegate

Consider outsourcing the jobs that don’t play to your strengths. Self-employment involves numerous tasks that you can’t charge for directly. Some of them will need to be done by you,  others can be delegated, to free up your time. There are freelance virtual assistants who will take day to day administration off your hands. You can delegate bookkeeping. You can ask someone with design skills to help you develop a professional brand image.

Delegate tasks for which you have no aptitude, or that you dislike. I quite enjoy the admin side of maintaining my business. I have the skills, and it’s a change from the design and delivery aspects of training. But I have limited design flair, and prefer to outsource this type of work where possible.

14. Allocate resources for your own learning. 

When you are your business, it’s essential to develop your knowledge and skills. Make wise choices on where to invest your resources. The best development opportunities are not necessarily the most expensive. Professional development webinars or conferences, reading books and sharing ideas with peers are all hugely valuable. And make time for reflective practice such as writing down what you’ve learned through an experience.

One approach which takes the principles of reflective practice, but applies them more widely to business development and thinking is the WriteBrained method, devised by Alison Jones.  

When you invest in professional training, do your research before committing your money. And when you decide to commit to a significant CPD programme, make the most of it by giving it the time it needs. 

15. Build a financial buffer

Be prepared for ups and downs financially, and think about how you’ll manage quieter periods. Building a financial buffer if you possibly can before going freelance, in the form of cash savings. And don’t rule out part-time employment, maybe a day or two per week to give you a baseline income.

And look for retained or associate work as well as building your own client base. I remember being advised to ensure you have three pillars of income in your business. I’ve kept this in mind ever since. At least three strands of income from different sources or clients.

And make sure you're protected with professional indemnity insurance, and other insurance provision that reduces the risks associated with self-employment.

16.  Reflect and review

Take time to reflect regularly on your freelance or business journey. Notice to what extent you’ve developed your skills and knowledge. For example, consider how you’ve developed as a person, in the way you view the world. Notice when your confidence has expanded as you’ve overcome challenges.

There are many ways to do this. Join a group of other business owners and meet informally over coffee. Or gather more formally as a community of practice to share experiences and learn from each other. Work with a coach or thinking partner. Use reflective practice methods such as journaling and keeping a learning log covering both your formal and informal learning.

17.  Celebrate successes.

It’s so important to regularly pause and celebrate your achievements. This may include external "wins" such as signing up a new client, receiving great feedback, or completing a piece of work. 

I believe it’s also important to celebrate internal successes, when you’ve stretched yourself and tried something new or brave, even if it didn’t work. Can you celebrate your courage or willingness to experiment?

18.  Keep an eye on the future

Whatever stage you’re at, in your freelance or business journey, keep thinking and planning for the future. Here are some questions that might be helpful:

• What is currently attracting your interest? 
• What would you like to learn more about? 
• What type of work or projects do you currently enjoy the most?
• Are there any aspects of your work that you’d like to give up?
• What help and support do you need at this stage of your career or business?

Over to you...

Have you been in business for a while? What tips would you add to this list?

The post Lessons from 18 years of self-employment appeared first on Felicity.

Disentangling misunderstandings in conversations.

Have you ever wondered why a conversation didn’t go as well as you’d hoped? 

Perhaps you feel you were misunderstood? Or the discussion seemed to go down a blind alley, paved with small details, overlooking the substantive point altogether?

Communication is a two-way process, and can be described using some of the language in the classic Shannon and Weaver communication model: encoding, transmitting and decoding.

Stages in communication

A starting point may be that someone has some information or a perspective to share. They need a way of encoding this into a message that can be shared, typically in words.

They need a means of transmitting the message. In a conversation this is normally through speaking, perhaps supported by visual aids of some kind. Or the communication may be in writing or through images.

At the other end, there is a receiver, who needs to decode the message so that it can be understood. In interactive types of communication, such as a conversation, the roles of transmitter and receiver switch frequently. 

Given the stages involved, there are various places in the process where errors or misunderstandings can creep in. Here are some ideas on how to keep communication flowing smoothly.

Clarity of message

When we’re sharing a message, we need to start with clarity about what we want to say. This isn’t necessarily as straightforward as it sounds. For starters, many of us (I include myself) don’t always know exactly what we think, until we speak out. Articulating our thoughts helps us to clarify them, whether out loud, or in writing.

Now, this is great if you are in an environment with somebody who is a really good listener. The main reason why coaching can be so powerful, is that a skilled coach is a trained and experienced listener. In the presence of deep listening, you are more likely to find yourself clarifying your own thoughts and coming up with more subtle distinctions.  But in many communication situations, the quality of listening is not a given. Particularly if you need to share a message that the other person might not want to hear. 

Words as symbols

So, to give yourself the best chance of being understood, you need to take time to clarify what you want to say, and then encode it accurately. Encoding involves a process of translating your thoughts into symbols that other people can interpret. By symbols I’m primarily talking here about words, or words that evoke images. (Of course, images themselves are used in many communication situations such as presentations or social media posts.)

Again, the need to translate your thoughts into symbols applies whether you’re communicating in writing or by speaking the words aloud. And then once you’ve translated your thoughts and feelings into symbols, these then need to be transmitted to the other person, who then has to receive and decode them. 

There’s quite a lot that can go wrong here, even if you are clear about what you’re trying to say. The first is that the coding in terms of words is a complex and transformative process. But it’s not an exact science. Yes, we have commonly agreed definitions of words. But they are still subtly different. Ask two people to describe what they mean by a tree, and you might get two very different answers. Someone might describe an oak tree in the middle of a field. Someone may describe a Christmas tree decked with balls. To get around this, we modify words with adverbs or adjectives. But even these additions don’t necessarily mean the person receives exactly what we intended to communicate. 

Own your experience

If a common noun, such as the word tree, will evoke different images in different people, then it can be even trickier to communicate concepts like fairness or equality. Unless you’re going to have a long philosophical discussion, coming to a shared understanding can be hard to do. 

This is one reason why if you’re communicating around feelings or concerns, it’s important to own your own experience. It’s always valid to claim that this is how you feel, for example:  “this doesn’t feel fair to me”. This gives a perspective and might open up a discussion as to what you mean, in a way that a more accusatory approach (“you’ve treated me unfairly”) might not. 

Interference in transmission

Even if you’ve put care and thought into what you’re ‘transmitting’, there are plenty of places where misunderstandings in conversations can happen from the perspective of the person ‘receiving’. 

It’s not just the other person might interpret words differently. They might not even hear all the words. Or they might scan a written communication rather than reading thoroughly. 

Also, it’s very easy to get distracted by thoughts and feelings triggered by what the other person is saying. This is particularly true if it’s a difficult conversation and there are strong emotions involved. 

There’s plenty of scope for tangled wires within the communication process. Nobody can hope to be an absolutely clear channel for communication. We’re too complex for that. But there’s a lot you can do to ease the flow of information between you.

Tips on how to ease communication

Structure information so that it’s easy to follow and the key points aren’t lost

When you’re the person transmitting a message, think about how you structure what you’re saying:

• Have you identified the crucial aspect of your message, and emphasised this at the start and end of your communication? 
• Have you broken the content of your message down into a few key points, and clearly set out these points and why they matter?
• Is there a flow that people can follow? 

Consider the other person’s knowledge, are you making assumptions?

Have you checked you’re not making assumptions, for example about how much prior knowledge the person has on the subject? An obvious example here is acronyms. They can save time when everybody knows them. Everyone in the UK knows what you mean when you refer to the NHS. But if you’re speaking to someone from another country, would they know that this stands for the National Health Service?

Check understanding; has your message been received as intended?

Have you checked that the other person has understood? This is where you move from speaker to listener. Notice if the other person is responding to what you meant to say, or to another interpretation? Does your body language communicate that you are open to discussion? Are you willing to take responsibility for misunderstandings? Be prepared to use different words, or media such as drawing a diagram, to clarify your points.

Take responsibility for your role in communication

It’s very easy to assume that because we’ve said or written something, we’ve communicated our message. This isn’t always the case. By being aware of the stages of communication we can minimise misunderstandings. And taking responsibility for ensuring our message has been heard and understood gives us the best chance of success.

Receiving a message

And when you are the receiver, also take responsibility for ensuring that you’ve heard and understood what the other person is trying to say.  

Ask questions if you’re not clear. Summarise your understanding and check that it’s accurate. And then when it’s your turn to speak, do your best to communicate using the kind of language and terminology that you believe will resonate with the other person. This is much easier when you’ve taken the time to listen and understand to the best of your ability.

Review and reflect

Communication isn’t always easy. But it’s the key to better relationships in both the professional and personal context. When a conversation hasn’t gone so well, it’s always worth taking a few minutes to reflect on your role in the exchange. What have you learnt that you could do differently next time? How can you communicate so that you are heard and understood?

 

The post Minimise misunderstandings in conversations appeared first on Felicity.

This question opens the door to using simile and metaphor as a way of understanding and communicating how you want your business to be.M

A metaphor is when you describe something in terms of it being something else: “All the world’s a stage”. A simile describes something as being like something else: “my love is like a red red rose”. Simile and metaphor are often thought of as literary devices, but in reality, the use of metaphorical language go much deeper than that.

Many metaphors speak to an aspect of our human experience. For example, metaphors associated with positive states often reflect being higher, and negative states being lower. Think about what it’s like to be “on top of the world” versus “down in the dumps”. Compare the visceral experience of “floating on air” versus “wading through treacle”.

Metaphors tell us something about our deeper understanding of the nature of things. They can help us understand ourselves better. And they can also help us in communication to bring more colour and depth to what we’re saying.

In particular, I want to think about how they might be useful in helping us think creatively about the nature of our businesses.

What do you want?

To discover and use metaphors that are right for your business, a helpful starting point is your desired outcome. What will your business be like, when it’s exactly how you want it to be?

Once you’ve come up with a metaphor that resonates, then you can explore it further? What light does this metaphor shed on your business? How can it help you develop your business in a positive way.

Metaphors for how you help your clients

What is the promise that your businesses makes to your clients or customers?

In my career coaching practice for example, I help people to navigate a career crossroads. Coaches sometimes use the metaphor of guiding people on a journey. Or how about a marketing consultant who shows people how to package their ideas?

Glenda Shawley, MD of the Fabulous Networking community has described her business as being like a flower garden. It’s full of a variety of beautiful flowers, representing her members who are all different and unique. They want to grow personally and professionally. And as the gardener in this metaphor, Glenda provides a wide variety of different services that help to nurture and grow the flowers. She brings a caring vibe to her garden and loves seeing people flourish.

Metaphors for how you build your business

Metaphors can focus on how the business runs as well as what it provides. What if your business was like a well-oiled machine? You can imagine all the processes flowing together. Client inquiries are dealt with quickly; products and services are delivered seamlessly. Once you’ve set up a business like this it could release you from spending too much time on day-to-day admin. Instead you are now in the role of supervisor: paying attention to ensure the process remains well-oiled and responding to any friction as it arises.

A metaphor that I came up with was that of an orchard. An orchard of productive fruit trees doesn’t spring up overnight. Fruit trees are relatively small when they’re planted. But if you put the time and effort into nurturing them, they will flourish, And the metaphorical fruits will provide a sustainable income year after year.

In planning your orchard, you might like to think of the variety of fruit that you offer. Many trees thrive through cross pollination, with other varieties.

I was once advised to identify three pillars of income within a business. And it’s helpful if these strands cross pollinate. Skills and knowledge learned in one area can transfer to another. For example, I run workshops on communication skills such as assertiveness. And I also help career transition clients to think through how best to communicate in an interview situation.

Identifying and uncovering metaphors comes more easily to some people than others, as we all think differently. An approach I sometimes use within my coaching practice is known as symbolic modelling. This is a creative facilitated process that can help you develop and embody your own metaphors for a desired state of being.

Find a metaphor for your business

To close this article, I invite you to come up with a metaphor for your own business.

Focus on positive and ask yourself: When my business is exactly how I want it to be, it will be like what?

If you haven’t worked in this way before, it may take a little while to come up with the right metaphor. My advice is not to force it, but to ask the question, relax, and see what comes up. It may be that you put the question at the back of your mind for a while, and an image or sense may pop up later. Or you might like to look around your room our out of the window and see if any of the objects in your sightline prompt an idea.

And if you find metaphor that resonates, then explore it further to see what insights it might give you into how you want to develop your business. Ideally this should be an enjoyable process and a way into thinking creatively.

Do you have a metaphor for your business?

[And please check out my Four Elements article for an example of a metaphor applied to personal development]

Featured image photo by Erika Fletcher on Unsplash

[Article originally published on Medium https://felicitydwyer.medium.com/an-orchard-or-a-well-oiled-machine-using-metaphor-in-business-development-915efd3826ad]

The post An orchard or a well oiled machine? Using metaphor in business appeared first on Felicity.

The concept of the four elements (earth; air; fire; water) is an ancient one. It is widely used as a metaphor to describe aspects of the human condition. This concept dates back at least as far as the 5th century BCE in Western culture, and likely pre-dates that in other cultures.

In the metaphorical sense, each element represents some aspect or truth about humanity.

Air tends to stand for thinking, the power of the mind. Atoms move quickly in the gaseous form, as do thoughts which travel quickly through our minds. Thoughts are both ephemeral and influential. Fleeting thoughts are carried away as if by a passing breeze. Repetitive thoughts create our habitual behaviours and experience of the world. In neuroscience, repeated thoughts create pathways through our neurology, and therefore become more concrete in nature.

Earth represents the physical, practical, concrete aspect of ourselves. It represents our connection with our physical body, which is made up of the same chemical elements as other life on earth, including trace minerals. If you think about it, we are all part metal (iron, zinc, copper…). It’s important to be earthy enough to navigate successfully through the material world of which we’re a part. However too much metaphorical earth can keep us stuck or resistant to change.

Fire tends to represent creativity and passion. Fire is both creative and destructive. As human we imagine and create both heavenly and hellish moments here on earth. The discovery of fire allowed humanity to generate more energy from food and to colonise otherwise inhospitable parts of the globe. And yet global heating is now threatening our futures.

Water tends to represent the emotions. Water is a shapeshifting substance, and responds to the situations in which it finds itself. It may be found flowing freely towards the sea or stuck and stagnant in a puddle. It is essential for life, but water is only healthy when able to move. I find this a powerful metaphor to illustrate how we need to learn to experience our emotions but also allow them to flow through us. This is true for both negative and positive emotions. It is possible to experience a feeling of deep grief, and not so long afterwards experience laughter or a sense of calm. The problem is if we try to shut down the negative emotions, this can lead to numbness as we don’t move through the emotion. And it also shuts us off from experience positive emotions such as deep joy.

Four elements in psychology

This four element model is used in many contexts. For example, a version this is reflected in Carl Jung’s psychological mode describing four tendencies: sensing (earth) v. Intuition (fire), and Feeling (water) v. Thinking (air). This model even provides a basis for psychological diagnostics widely used in business and personal development, such as the Myers Briggs Type Indicator.

According to Jung and others, as we go through life, we develop more aspects of ourselves. We will always tend to have some psychological preferences; ways of being that come more easily to us. Some people will tend to have a preference for logical cognitive decision making. Others will tend to make decisions on how they feel. But rounded decision making will consider both aspects. “Gut instinct” can provide valuable information that is missed if we only take into account what we can quantify with our conscious thinking. However, evidence shows that decisions taken on feelings alone can be highly misleading, even disastrous. We need to be able to marry the two aspects of thinking and feeling.

And we need a balance of passion and practicality, of fire and earth, if we want to live creatively (in its broadest sense) whilst being able to make things happen in the world.

Explore and integrate the elements

There are many routes to exploring and integrating the elements. The route for me has been dance. This model first came alive for me over 25 years ago when I took a workshop which was based on dancing the four elements. With music and guidance, we were invited to physicalise the elements. This felt like a revelation and helped me understand the balance of elements within myself, at that time.

Amongst other things, conscious dance has helped me learn to move quickly through emotions. I strongly believe that if you are feeling uncomfortable emotions the best thing to do is to get moving — whether that’s walking, dancing, running, cycling or whatever works for you. It’s helped me flow more easily through my emotions, as healthy water flows.

Water, air and fire are the elements that I connect with most easily. I enjoy intellectual concepts and ideas (an air quality). The fiery side of my nature used to manifest itself as a hot temper; these days it’s mellowed more to a warmth and an ability to convey enthusiasm and energy.

I will never be the world’s most earthy person, but I look for ways to integrate earth. Cooking is a practical skill that enjoy, and which combines creativity with practicality. I rarely use a food processor, instead I chop and slice and stir and enjoy the alchemy of ingredients coming together into the wholeness of a meal.

It can be helpful to recognise the balance of elements in ourselves, and find ways to balance and integrate them into our personalities and lives.

What elements do you believe are strongest in you?

Featured photo by Delphine Ducaruge on Unsplash

The post The Four Elements Metaphor in Action appeared first on Felicity.